Meaning of Domestic Violence and Impact on Children

Why does my Social Worker say she is worried about domestic violence? We argue but he has never hit me. It has nothing to do with my care of the children.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:

Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
Psychological and/or emotional abuse
Physical or sexual abuse
Financial abuse
Harassment and stalking

Any form of domestic abuse will be a concern to Social Services. There does not need to be physical violence. Domestic abuse of all kinds affects your parenting ability. Domestic abuse undermines, and can severely damage, the mother-child relationship. High levels of stress as a result of ongoing abuse can severely affect a woman’s physical and mental health. You may be exhausted as a result of trying to manage from day to day in difficult circumstances. Your confidence in parenting skills and authority as a parent may be severely undermined.

It is also very damaging to children. Children of any age are affected by domestic violence and abuse. At no age will they be unaffected by what is happening, even when they are in the womb.

Research shows that children witness about ¾ of abusive incidents involving their parent(s). About ½ of the children living with parents in an abusive relationship have been assaulted or caught up in incidents themselves.

Obviously, it is very upsetting for children to see one of their parents (or partners) abusing, attacking or controlling the other. Younger children may become anxious. They may complain of tummy-aches or start to wet their bed. They may find it difficult to sleep, have temper tantrums and start to behave as if they are much younger than they are. They may also find it difficult to separate from their abused parent when they start nursery or school.

Older children react differently. Boys seem to express their distress much more outwardly, for example by becoming aggressive and disobedient. Sometimes, they start to use violence to try and solve problems, and may copy the behaviour they see within the family.

Girls are more likely to keep their distress inside. They may become withdrawn from other people, and become anxious or depressed. They may think badly of themselves and complain of vague physical symptoms. They are more likely to have an eating disorder, or to harm themselves by taking overdoses or cutting themselves. They are also more likely to choose an abusive partner themselves.

Children of any age can develop symptoms of what is called ‘Post-traumatic Stress Disorder’. They may get nightmares, flashbacks, become very jumpy, and have headaches and physical pains.

Children dealing with domestic violence and abuse often do badly at school. Their frightening experiences at home make it difficult to concentrate in school, and if they are worried about their abused parent, they may refuse to go to school.

Jo Taylor
November 2017